Happy Birthday Zombie Jesus!

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been three weeks since my last blogpost.

Life happens. Sick happens! What is up with all this illness? I feel like my wee-one and I are sick more than average individual of our respective ages.

I didn't realize that everyone was not this way until recently, but, I am very body aware. I can feel specific muscles hurt, or feel a pain and know where its referring from. I know the names of a decent number of muscles, and where they are located and what muscles specifically might be hurting me.

Thankfully, despite my (what I am certain is) undiagnosed inattentive ADHD, I am aware enough to notice a pattern in what seems to seriously weaken my immune system, and they are things that will make you say "yeah, they've been telling us for years it's not good for us" but I'm just sayin', reminder: this shit is not good for us!

1) Sugar

Sugar is sugar. Honey is sugar, Fruit is sugar, It doesn't matter how you slice it, too much sugar is TOO MUCH. I like sugar. I really like sugar. I was the kid who took all her allowance to the corner store and spent it ALL on candy. I used to not eat breakfast, not eat lunch, then skip an afternoon class, walk to a coffee shop and buy a giant piece of banana cream pie and eat only that until dinner time. It seemed totally reasonable to my miserable self at the time. Now I have this wonderful grasp of what foods I need most and when,,. But I am still in a love hate relationship with sugar....I love buckwheat honey, I put honey in my tea. I like maple syrup. I make a lot of buckwheat pancakes Also, tangent about honey...I saw this today. Super interesting.

I try to limit it, but then I just end up on a sugar binge and eat easily half the meager amount of Easter candy I bought for Stan (Happy Birthday, Zombie Jesus. Your pagan friendly rabbit has arrived to pressure me to feed my kid garbage....) and I gave in. I was undecided until the last minute and next year, knowing now that I will have to do Easter in some way, I will plan better and hopefully mitigate the candy situation. I DIGRESS...

If I consume more than a little bit of sugar in a short period of time, I'd say 9 times out of 10 I'm in for some kind of illness. Viral, bacterial, doesn't matter. There's a 90% chance I'm going to start feeling sick in some capacity in the next 12 hours.

2) Not drinking enough water

Dehydration feels gross immediately, but it will definitely contribute to contracting anything. I wash my hands a lot. I go through a lot of shea butter, but too much sugar and not enough water... oh yeah. I am deffo getting sick,

3) Getting drunk

Don't get me wrong, I like a few beers every now and then, but actually getting drunk....nope. Not a good plan. Bad situation already. I am guaranteed to wake up with immense sinus congestion. Not to mention the wasted money, because drunk = expensive. I just can't do it these days. I feel like "an old person" but maybe that just means I'm slowly maturing...because I am getting older. Ugh. Let's not talk about how bizarre it feels to age.

4) Sleep. I have always needed it. People staying up all night partying til the sun comes up? Maybe twice in my life, Not good at it. I once told my father to fuck off in a sleepy stupor because he was waking me up and I did not want to be woken up. I was tired. It was a poor choice, but, I was tired! Sleep seems so easy but it can be so hard. Just go to bed early. Right? But then you can't get anything done. Or then you have to get up really early to make up for the stuff  you didn't do when you went to bed early. I can't win. I'll take a messy house to feel well rested any day, as those of you who have seen my home will know.

Pretty simple, right?  Kid was sick. I was sick. Kid was sick. I'm fighting it... I'm fighting it so hard. Tinctures. Tea. Sleep. But it's Easter, and I bought Easter candy...not a lot, but my small person is reasonably discerning and if he doesn't like it, he won't eat it... and you know who will? This girl. Even if he loves it, he likes to share. Soooooo I foresee sugar in my future. I guess I need to figure out how much sugar is too much sugar. This will be an experiment I suppose.

Procrastination, Depression and my Pick-Me-Up-Dust-Me-Off Activities of Choice.

"Self-care" is very now. Holding space. Mindfulness.

And why the fuck not? That shit is awesome.

It's weird when you take a step back and look at your habits and go, "Whoa. I am not taking care of myself." Like, maybe you're taking care of some stuff but you're a member of the "procrastination nation"* it can be obscenely easy to justify doing ANYTHING other than that thing you really need to do. Because you have other shit to do right? So, you aren't REALLY procrastinating if you're doing other things that you need to do.

*Disclaimer: I thought "I wonder if there is actually a procrastination nation?" So I googled it. It's a thing. It's a gaming site. So, I'm not LITERALLY a member of the procrastination nation. I merely am a member of the fraction of the community that works best under pressure.

Procrastination never really factored in to my idea of self-care in the past, but really it applies to everything. Putting off cooking, putting off cleaning, putting off working out, putting off meditating, putting off meal planning, putting off making a budget, putting off going to counselling, acupuncture... you name it, I can procrastinate in the face of needing to do it. BUT WHY?

Why do I say I "need to" or "should" do something in the first fucking place, why do I not just do it. The space where I stop and say "yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I don't really want to do that right now" what benefit is that to anyone? It's like there's a little Sarah inside my head that hates me and wants to sabotage my life and the easiest way to do that is to make sure I don't do the things I need to do. But then again what do I need to do?

photo credit: berlin artparasites, unknown artist

Pretty sure I just need to get right with myself. What I need to do is really evaluate my priorities. What are my priorities? What makes me feel like a whole person? I want to share my love with all you lovely people, with my little person, and I want to share my love with myself too. I want to make sure that my heart is getting what it needs. It's really easy to cast your heart aside and not really listen to what it wants. Just because something seems unattainable doesn't mean that it is. Sometimes you just have to get creative. I used to look at my life and all I could see were the closed doors and missed opportunities, but how wrong I was, and I know that now. I'd estimate I've wasted a good 5-8 years of my life thinking about what was no longer an option for me, trying to figure out where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be, and what I wanted to do. Then I had a kid, and that just changes everything. I decided I was not going to let anxiety and despair consume me. I've slipped occasionally for sure, but when you live with the black cat of depression casting ominous shadows on your sunny days, reminding you it's right there behind you, just waiting for the opportunity to hop up onto your chest and whisper in your ear that staying in bed is best and the world is better off without you, you learn to actually give it the respect it deserves. The space it deserves. I can feel it creeping up on me with enough warning now that while I might not be able to prevent it jumping up on me, I can keep it from digging in it's claws and getting a good hold on me. I can objectively say to myself, I am depressed, this is depression. This is not me. What do I need to do right now?

Here are my top 5 self-care/depression busting activities:

1) acupuncture - I go to Heart & Hands Health Collective and I highly recommend any of the practitioners there. I have been for acupuncture, massage and also herbal medicine. I will be going soon to see their naturopath, and I can't say enough nice things about this place. It's a sliding scale community clinic with a great vibe, comfy chairs, and caring practitioners. Western medicine has it's place, don't get me wrong. I need the pharmaceutical medication that I take, BUT I get a lot out of being a patient at this clinic. Your first appointment will have a $10 paper work charge, but the sliding scale is $20-$50 for acupuncture, whatever you can afford. If you haven't yet, check out their site. You can even book your appointment online. If you can't nap at acupuncture, take a page from my book at use it as an opportunity to meditate. If you're worried about the distraction of sound (music, people snoring ((hehehe)) or people coming and going, the clinic has ear plugs for $1).

2) Green Cuisine - okay, this could read: healthy yummy food, but I specifically say Green Cuisine because when I'm depressed, I DO NOT feel like cooking. I don't. I'd rather just eat half a bag of marshmallows. Or half a tub of ice cream. Or two donuts. Or a two-cheeseburger meal from McDonald's... But if you're feeling shit already, that's a recipe for disaster. Don't get me wrong, a little yummy treat is good for the soul, but nutritious food is better for your brain and depression is your brain having some trouble. Green Cuisine is convenient, delicious, warm, healthy and not super expensive. When I don't feel like I have the energy to cook and I feel sad, Green Cuisine warms my heart and tummy.

3) Go outside - easier said than done, right? You just want to lay in bed, and you sure as fuck don't want to see anyone, right? Well, my friend, you don't have to. There's nothing quite as lovely as sitting alone in nature and smelling the smells, feeling the breeze and the sun or the rain and just noticing how lovely our world can be. Because I have a child and I refuse to let my feelings ruin our time together, I love to take him anywhere we can hug some trees and have a nice time in nature together...which brings me to number 4....

4) Hug a tree - I am not kidding. Hug a fucking tree. You know how long that tree has been there? Longer than you. You know what it's full of? Life and earth energy and I swear to God/the Universe, if you get a vibe from a tree that it's THE TREE you're going to hug, and you let yourself, no matter how stupid or weird it feels, that tree will hug you back and fill your heart with feels. Good feels. Loving feels. The Universe wants you to be your best you. Collective energy, collective consciousness etc. etc. etc. by helping yourself, you're helping the Universe. By taking care of yourself, you're taking care of everyone... give your sadness over to the tree, give it some love and let it reciprocate. It feels so good. I promise.

5) Make something - Feel sad? Colour. Feel down? Draw. Fold some origami. Bake some cookies. Play your guitar, piano, ukulele, recorder...whatever. You can even play some Elliott Smith. I won't judge. Emo-it-up my, friend. Just do something, remind yourself you enjoy doing things by doing something that has nothing to do with anything except for your sheer enjoyment of the activity.