Queer Enough?

Check your privilege, as they say.

I've got it. I know it. I'm a white, cisgender female. I can move relatively invisibly throughout my life without any more or less fear or concern than the next white woman. I identify as queer, but I am still pretty invisible. So invisible, in fact, that while I can't really identify as straight, I feel apprehensive identifying myself as bi, and more comfortable identifying myself as queer. Why?

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

At times, I feel I don't have the right to include myself in the LGBTQIA community. What struggle have I faced other than my own internal uncertainty? I am not a visible minority. As far as anyone can see or say, I'm straight until I say otherwise. I've never faced blind hatred or verbal abuse for my identity. I primarily date men, and though I've been involved with women, it's never been long term, and never exclusive. Not because I don't want it to be, but because my life just hasn't happened that way.

I'm not straight. I'm not gay. And if I'm involved with a man and I roll in to a queer women's event, what will those queer women think of me? Am I "queer enough" to be included? Add my inclination toward non-monogamy to the mix and its a recipe for some serious judgement. And what if I bring my queer identifying male partner with me to an LGBTQIA event. Will we make people feel uncomfortable? Will people be wondering why we're there? I feel like the answer to my questions is "no, that's stupid, why would anyone care?" but I can't help but ask, "but what if they do?".

I've never had anyone within the LGBTQIA community openly discriminate against me, it's just my own insecurity creating these thoughts. I exclude myself before anyone has the chance to exclude me.

I guess it all comes down, again, to self-worth. The sense of being deserving of something or not. What right do I have to be there? The same right as everyone else, I suppose, but would someone please tell that to my heart?