Who Gon' Stop Me?

Lately, since I've been consistently taking my antidepressants for an extended period of time, I feel pretty level headed. Rational. Good, even... but pretty much every night for weeks and weeks, I had horrible dreams. Most recently, my dreams are either about being abused or about being horribly sad. I wake up exhausted from sobbing in my dreams or from fighting with an abuser. Everyday, getting out of bed is extremely challenging. I sleep but I am not rested. The content of the dreams invade my thoughts during the day sometimes and focus is challenging. I tell myself I am okay, but sometimes I am not. Triggers happen but I can move through it quickly. Other than that life is swell. I feel excited and hopeful and somewhat motivated. Woot.

I've put on about 25lbs. I think partly because my focus was elsewhere, partly because I've opened myself up to indicas and hybrids instead of my typical sativas (read: munchies. The worst.) But I am confident cannabis assists my stress, depression and anxiety in a big way, so it shall continue as needed. BUT I may start running and biking more often but that's to offset the smoking :-D

Despite my extra weight and now-enormous breasts that refuse to fit in anything, including my bras, I feel pretty awesome. I have muffin top (holla leggings, you and me forever baby!) my belly is squishier than ever....and I give NO FUCKS. I still look hot. I have a photo of me from camp when I was 15 years old in a hideous grey one piece bathing suit, where allllllllllllllllllllll my friends are in bikinis (let's not get into the hypersexualization of teen girls) but the point of the one piece is I thought I was "too fat" to wear a bikini...Mmmmmmm nope. I definitely wasn't then (5'10 and 130lbs) and I'm definitely not now. And neither are you. Or you. Bathing suits for every body! Expect some #sorrynotsorry posts this summer. My squishy tummy and I plan to get a tan. Stanley says to me "mommy, you're fat? Like a little fat?" and I'm like, "yeah dude." full stop.